A few weeks ago, my friend Gabriel stopped by to take in a couple of rounds of Hokuto no Ken for the PlayStation 2, as he’s a huge fan of the American Fist of the Northstar movie, hilariously bad Streamline dub and all. After several minutes of being dazzled by the sexy visuals and fun gameplay, he said in a very matter of fact manner, “This would kick ass as a side scrolling brawler.”

My brain hung on those words as he continued to slice his way through Roah using Rei, and I pondered why there aren’t any visually stunning, hyper-animated, 2D beat ‘em ups. After realizing that the answer to that query was one I did not want to hear (BEUs are a genre on the verge of extinction) I shed a mighty, floor-shattering man-tear worthy of one that Kenshiro would drop (after Gabe left the premises, of course).

As a child of the ’80s, my videogame resume is filled with the likes of Double Dragon, Final Fight, River City Ransom, and Streets of Rage. Mowing down wave after wave of urban vermin made up the majority of my gaming time, and possibly prepped me for a rather excellent career as a vigilante or rogue cop should this writing thing not pan out. As such, I support the genre in all of its forms, even digital abortions like Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance, but I’ve become increasingly fed with an industry that seemingly has forgotten why BEUs were a gaming mainstay in the ’80s and ’90s. So what the fuh went wrong?

It’s easy to point fingers at Sony, a market shift, or even a fickle videogame audience, but I will not do that here. I’m a man of solutions, so I’ll focus on just that. What follows are instructions to any plucky company with enough sack to attempt to resurrect the BEU genre – - and I won’t even demand royalties for the kick ass ideas. Here’s what’s need to resurrect brawlers.

Give Us Outlandish Characters
One of the many reasons why modern spins on BEUs have amounted to nothing more than mammoth levels of FAIL has been the horrid character designs and drab graphics. Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance, I raise a charred skull in your general direction, as your attempt at a realistic, gritty, urban environment was one of the most god awful BEU worlds ever created. When will companies realize that fans of BEUs don’t want realism-they want copious amounts of cheese mixed with their violence. If the generic thugs aren’t mohawked, leather vest-clad cretins, we don’t want ‘em. If the bosses aren’t 7 foot tall pimps in purple suits who tote diamond encrusted canes in one hand and bowie knives in another, we won’t love ‘em. BUEs have traditionally been shallow endeavors, so the least that developers can do is give us visuals that pop. Loudly and with plenty of kitsch.

Add Plenty of Replayability
I love the old school BEUs as much as the next guy, but oft times, once you’ve completed the game, you’ve seen everything that there is to be seen. That can be solved quite easily.

First, randomize the levels. Do we really need to fight through the back alley, abandoned factory, sewer system, school yard, and gang hideout in the exact same order every time? No, sir. Simply keep the final boss on the final stage and everything will be peaches.

Secondly, BEUs need a reward system for mowing down street punks. It could be as simple as earning money to purchase weapons, “fighting points” that will allow players to purchase new moves, or increasing a character’s offense and defense. River City Ransom walked this path 20 years ago, but a new BEU could include a Fire Pro level of character creation, and I’m not just talking about skills: tweaking appearance, movement speed, and even vocals would add a personalized user experience that has been lacking since the genre’s creation. Also, the idea that a special move saps your health bar needs to die a hideous death. Implement a fighting game-style super bar for specials.

Thirdly, we need a dino-load of hidden areas. You know how every BEU has that one board featuring a street with a manhole cover removed? What if, instead of simply falling to your death/loss of health as you would’ve in the past, it leads to a new area, acts as a shortcut, or holds a weaponry stash? Imagination is a helluva drug.

Scale the Gameplay
Beat ‘em ups are remarkably simple to pick up and learn, but that doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be features available for advanced players to exploit. I would kiss the lead programmer who introduces fighting game elements into a BEU such as guard cancels, guard meters, and parries/reverses. Imagine D’ing up on the aforementioned pimp only to cancel out of your block animation during his cane attack and rock him with a super? That would be awesomeness on a stick covered in a glaze of magnificence.

Keep It 2D
This is probably isn’t too surprising to read coming from this site. Beat ‘em ups are all about opening enough cans of whoop-ass to fill a Wal-mart, so pressing a button and effortlessly taking a baseball bat to a thug’s skull is essential. We don’t want to struggle with camera angles, horrid collision detection, or cycling through enemies to target them. No, no, no, and no.

Of course, I could touch upon much, much more, but in order to prevent this from becoming a Homer-esque poem, I’ll touch on the additional method that brawlers can be updated for modern gaming in a future article. But before we wrap this, I present a question: do you personally believe that brawlers can make a successful comeback in the modern gaming industry? And which companies should lead the charge? I propose Arc System, Capcom, or SNK as they’ve mastered 2D and are knowing for combat games.  What say you?