[Disasterpiece is a recurring feature in which the 2D-X staff admits to loving truly awful games. This outing, Jeffrey L. Wilson fesses up to Zombie Revenge.]

Have you seen Jason X? If not, do it. Hardcore Friday the 13th fans consider it a joke of a movie, and with good reason: There’s a brain-numbing goofy plot, god awful dialogue (that’s somehow delivered by the death-fodder in an even worse way), and kills that are more comical than fright-inducing. And you know what? I absolutely love it in all of its glorious goofiness. It’s the type of “1AM on a Saturday night” fun in which cable TV excels.

Zombie Revenge is Jason X in video game form. Sure, there’s no single, hulking space-murderer, but SEGA’s Dreamcast-era title features a ridiculous plot (The U.S. government attempting to animate corpses as military super soldiers–WTF!), voice acting that rivals Resident Evil’s “quality,” and, thankfully, numerous ways to turn the lumbering masses into quivering pulp. It’s a joke of a game–in the best way possible.

Originally conceived as a House of the Dead side story, the Engrishy-sounding Zombie Revenge offers three characters for one or two players to choose from–an All-American type male, a female, and a Japanese bad ass with scars and sunglasses (which he wears at night). There’s unimportant narrative detailing a mysterious individual’s plot to unleash a zombie apocalypse, but ignore all that. Zombie Revenge is silly even when it should be serious.

This is evident from the jump. The character select screen features overly dramatic ’50s-era sci-fi/horror tunes, and a faux newsreel effect that adds a level of “this may have happened in a small town near you” vibe to the story. The horror-cheese is made manifest during the first boss encounter, a battle that sees you fighting a beast with a pipe embedded in its chest. You can punch, kick, or shoot the brute until it drops, or you can speed things up a tad by yanking the pipe out of its chest and beating it to death.

Besides the pipe of doom, you can acquire several other weapons that dispense zombies, mutant poisonous plants, and other creepers in the most outrageous manner possible. You can acquire lasers, dual handguns, flamethrowers, oversized power drills, and my personal favorite, the El Mariachi-style bullet-spewing guitar cases. Thankfully, ammo is never scarce; Zombie Revenge feeds you bullets (or, as the game calls it “BOO-LUTS!”) so the there are very few moments when you aren’t ventilating baddies. You can also grapple beasts and use counterattacks when surrounded by the enemy.

But for every forward step Zombie Revenge makes, it takes one back. The aforementioned voice “acting” is nearly sinks to Last Alert levels with flat, wooden deliveries that fail to relay that our heroes are in a town overrun by flesh-hungry hell-beasts. No fear. No urgency. And, worst of all, SEGA’s American localization team didn’t even bother trying to match the words to the characters’ lip flaps, resulting in a “dub” that looks like something straight out of Kung Fu Theater.

If you’ve read this much about Zombie Revenge and haven’t deemed it one of SEGA’s lowest moments (or highest, depending on your tastes) , give it a go. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a bad game (it’s not in the same league of suck as China Warrior or Ninja Combat), but everyone I know who plays it hates it for an inexplicable reason. I question their judgement.

You can find it new, in plastic, for about $25 and used for even less. It’s a solid single-player experience, but tag team with a friend if possible; the sheer ridiculousness is one that must be shared with a bud as you grind zombies and shoot off one-liners.

Are you ready for more grindhouse beat ‘em up action? Klei Entertainment and EA Partners have announced the sequel to the award-winning downloadable Shank, aptly named Shank 2. In our Shank review we stated the original 2D game “enters the beat ‘em up pantheon of which Double Dragon, Streets of Rage 2, and River City Ransom are members.” The founder of Klei Entertainment, Jamie Cheng, looks to build upon that bad ass foundation as evidenced in his statement.

“Creatively, Shank still has a lot to give…We took the feedback from the community and ran with it, putting our own flavor on every change. For Shank 2, we literally took apart the game and put it back together to push the envelope in combat mechanics, visuals, and 2D animation in games.”

Shank 2 continues the adventures of the ex-mob hitman by featuring a tweaked combat system and more beautifully grimy art. Shank 2 will pack an all new “intense, arcade-style survival co-op mode”  which allows gamers to play with a friend to defeat enemies while relying on the environment and weapons for succession.

Shank 2 hits the virtual store shelves in 2012 on the Xbox Live Arcade, the Playstation Network and PC platforms. But you won’t have to wait that long for our interview with Kei Entertainment, which is coming very soon.

Before Haggar, Cody, Guy, Rolento, and Poison took their combat abilities to the Street Fighter, Street Fighter Alpha, and Marvel vs. Capcom 3 series, they mixed it up with fists, feet, pipes, and grenades in one of the most well-renowned beat ‘em ups of all time: Final Fight. Released to arcades in 1989, Final Fight served as a warning to all inner city gangs that they should not kidnap their mayor’s daughter, and helped push the side scrolling brawler genre to popularity. Despite being two decades old, Final Fight is still an engaging, beat ‘em up, but some of the flaws inherent to brawlers of that era creep in to sully the experience a tad.

Final Fight is an old school 2D brawler that sees you guiding one of the three playable characters (Haggar, Guy, and Cody) through Metro City to combat the Mad Gear Gang, the vermin that plague the streets. The simple controls, consisting of Punch, Jump, and Special (a new button that represents what happens when you press Punch and Jump), are well suited for the game’s iOS port as you simply have to tap buttons to unleash attacks. The virtual D-pad, however,  is a bit too large, which caused my thumb to sometimes cover part of the fisticuffs.

And the fighting is quite satisfying, despite the game’s remarkably simple nature. There’s no fancy combo meter (as with Double Dragon iPhone), or flashy super moves. Instead, Final Fight focuses on street brawling at its dirtiest–pipes, katanas, knives, and, er, large turkeys and soda which replenish your life bar. That’s not to say that Final Fight doesn’t have combos–it most certainly does–but you have to be creative with your attacks. Your basic instinct is to jam on the attack button, but if you approach the game as you would a fighting game (fitting as Haggar, Guy, Cody, Rolento, Poison, and Sodom would appear in various Capcom 2D fighting games) you can do big damage in a short amount of time by mixing strikes, with jump attacks, and special moves.

Still, Final Fight is a product of the early ’90s arcades, so a number of that era’s rather questionable quarter-eating mechanics linger. The first and most glaring: Your special move saps a portion of your lifebar. It makes absolutely no sense (unless you’re an arcade owner) why’d you penalize gamers in such fashion. Final Fight also lacks a block, dash, or dodge button, so when you’re the meat in a beat down sandwich, there’s no way to prevent fists from wrecking you from all directions unless you bust out a special. It doesn’t help that big guys like Abigail have insane strike priority that can mash you up good. You can tag team enemies with a friend locally over Bluetooth.

The fighting action is simple, but it’s oh, so repetitive. By the time you get to the game’s midpoint, you’ve pretty much seen every low-level goon that the game has to offer. Final Fight serves up unlimited continues, so you can thrash thugs to your heart’s content without starting over.

 Final Fight’s gameplay may be a bit antiquated, but its graphics still hold up. It features the large, chunky sprites that were the trademarks of Capcom’s CPS-1 arcade system, as well as diverse landscapes ranging from a The Warriors-like subway to a wrestling ring to a high rise tower. There are palette swap enemy sprites, of course, but they move and fight as smoothly as the three heroes. The audio also stands out thanks to some rather excellent sound samples that recreate a speeding subway, the crunch of a shattered crate or barrel, and the yells of fallen enemies. The music isn’t as memorable as other Capcom games from the time, but it get the job done.

Final Fight ranks up there with Double Dragon and Renegade as the early standouts of the beat ‘em up genre. It controls well, looks good, and features decent music. It may no longer hold its swagger in a post-Streets of Rage II world, but those that fondly remember pumping quarters in this sucker, or enjoy its simplicity, will find the $2.99 Final Fight a worthy iPhone game.

Capcom expanded its iOS catalog today by releasing Final Fight and Street Fighter II Collection, as well as updating Street Fighter IV: Volt. Let’s break it down, starting with the previously released game.

Street Fighter IV: Volt, an update to the original Street Fighter IV iOS fighting game, features new modes, characters (Fei Long and Yun), and improved network play. The game is currently on sale for $2.99 from $6.99 until September 19th.

For those of you unfamiliar with Final Fight it’s time to become acquainted. Final Fight is easily considered one of the best side scrolling beat ‘em ups of all time, and spawned a handful of sequels. The game had players trying to rescue a woman by the name of Jessica from Mad Gear, a street gang that has been terrorizing Metro City. Each of the three playable characters have their own fighting styles. You have Cody a martial arts master, and his best friend and sparring partner, Guy the ninjutsu master. And then you have the Mayor of Metro City Mike Haggar who just happens to be Jessica’s pop. You may recognize the main characters as they have been featured in other Capcom titles like the Street Fighter Alpha series, and the recent Marvel vs. Capcom 3.The game features co-op game play via Bluetooth network support. Hurry and download Final Fight the app is currently $0.99 as part of the Capcom Super Sale going on now until September 21, 2011.

Street Fighter II Collection includes three of the original quarter-munchers all in one app: Street Fighter II, Street Fighter II: Champion Edition, and Street Fighter II: Hyper Fighting. The games feature all the original gameplay, but they’ve been tweaked for touch screen use with the inclusion of an one button finishing move. Each game features competitive network play via Bluetooth support. Street Fighter II Collection has a standard price of $3.99.

Capcom is taking care of the hardcore gamers with the release of so many of their popular titles on the iOS platform, and these three games are definitely no exception.

2D beat ‘em up fans who are in the hunt for a title that harkens back to an era when that genre was king have had rough goings as of late. Outside of the wonderful Castle Crashers and Shank there have been slim pickings. But along comes AGO Games with The Asskickers, a retro-styled 2D game that sees gamers controlling, well, asskickers who are on a mission to take power back from the elected president and the corporations that are doing his bidding.The story is on point (and fitting considering America’s economic and political landscape), as well as the graphics, but those, unfortunately, are two of the few bright spots in this ho-hum title.

Lets’ start from the top: The Asskickers has great visuals. Characters are excellently animated, the colors are vibrant, and the animations are fluid. The game has a great classic sound, with over-the-top punching noises and heavy grunts. Another sonic strong point is the Streets of Rage 2-styled soundtrack that featured techno-pop beats and some heavy guitar riffs.

The playable characters (Alex, Diane, and Marcus) have regular attacks, jumping attacks, and two special attacks in their arsenals. The differences between the fighters are the speed and strength of their attacks. Marcus, for example, is the slow brawler that gives and takes heavy damage. Diane is lightning quick, but doesn’t do much damage (she has a glass jaw, so health pick ups are her best friend). Alex is the best all around fighter.

The two special attacks drain your energy meter. You execute the first special attack by either pressing back or forward twice and the attack button. This causes the character to lunge in the direction pressed and take out a line of enemies by delivering big damage. The second special attack’s performed by pressing and holding the attack button; it’s best used against bosses or a single enemy as it keeps your character in place. Diane’s charge attack, for example, has her do a jumping kick flip in place. The special attacks look amazing and are animated very well.

The controls, however, are troublesome. Landing attacks was a difficult and frustrating chore, especially if the enemies were moving. This made the combat clunky at its best.

The gameplay was very reminiscent of Streets of Rage 2. You can pick up weapons like a taser, or a pipe to dish out extra damage. Health and energy pick ups are found by breaking objects, or by defeating enemies like in SoR2. Speaking of enemies, the moped-riding Frat Boys instantly reminded me of the biker enemies in SoR2. Unfortunately, the members of each themed wave, from the weak Frat Boys and Valley Girls, to the more difficult armored security guards or overweight butlers, look alike. In addition, there’s questionable enemy A.I; there were times when enemies just stood still, with no reaction to being beaten senseless.

The level design showed promised. One level had me on the roof of a truck, where I fought a group of enemies while trying to dodge traffic signs, and other obstructions coming your way. Another great level had me fighting through a mansion. The mansion was decorated with expensive furniture and had many striking details, like the pattern on the floor tiles, and the gold accents on the walls and doors. There was an interesting twist to the level; you could punch switches that caused chandeliers to come crashing down on enemies. The rooftop level which was my favorite, had players rushing to dispatch enemies on top of a skyscraper, while avoiding the hailstorm of bullets coming from a helicopter. This added a sense of urgency not found in any of the other levels.

The boss battles were a refreshing change from the rinse and repeat combat found throughout the game. One boss had you dodging his gunshots. You would have to time your attacks, and wait until you saw him reloading in order to come out and punish him. During another boss battle, you would have to wait for the boss to walk under a chandelier, and then punch a switch to drop the chandelier on top of him. The conclusion of each boss was pure hilarity. You bend the boss over and spank them repeatedly to build your score up until the timer runs down.

However, things took a turn for the worse due to the insane difficulty, especially during the longer levels. If you die you start from the beginning of the level. This led to some intense hair pulling moments. There were also has some serious game ending bugs. I met these bugs on numerous play throughs. One bug had me stuck inside a fence; another caused me to disappear from the screen completely. Both demanded restarts.

There are Time Attack and Survival modes, and an option to play the game locally with a friend. There is awesome incentive to play  cop-op: Special co-op attacks. These were creative and put the great animation on display. My favorite co-op special belonged to Diane and Alex. It involved Diane giving Alex a kiss that made Alex love drunk, resulting in him unleashing a flurry of kicks in all directions. Another memorable team attack began with Marcus and Alex doing a handshake that transitioned into a chest bump that kills all the enemies around them. These co-op moves make the game easier and more manageable, but the controls make it extremely difficult to do.

The retro gamer in me tried to enjoy The AssKickers. Aside from the refreshing comic-style visuals and the great level design, there isn’t much to enjoy here. The major issues like the game ending bugs,wonky controls and the overly frustrating difficulty made it almost impossible to play. The new $4.99 price tag makes the game a bit more tolerable, and for AGO Games’ first title it is a decent effort that just needed a bit more polish. I only recommend it to those desperately seeking a new beat ‘em up.

Co-optimus broke the news that Technos’ beat ‘em up classic Double Dragon II is receiving a HD remake/re imagining entitled Double Dragon II: Wander of the Dragons, courtesy of Korean developer Barunson Interactive.  When we reached out to Co-optimus, a staff member stated that the crew got the scoop from one of the game’s developers.

A polygonal remake of the original Double Dragon II: The Revenge, Double Dragon II: Wander of the Dragons will keep many of the original game’s traits. It will have co-op play as did the original, although online support hasn’t been confirmed. The story mode will have four lengthy levels, and several bosses. Many of the bosses and characters will carry revamped designs.

 There are new stages that will keep elements of the old Double Dragon II, but blend them with new ones. For example, Wander of the Dragons will retain a scene with a giant helicopter; however, it will now have quick-time events. Co-optimus also reported that there will be a completely new segment on top of a moving truck.

Versus mode returns, allowing up to four playable characters to duke it out. Marian, the gut-punched girlfriend, is now a playable character. There is also a survival mode, where one character has to survive against waves of enemies. The remake will also have a “modern combo system” attached to it, in addition to the returning “cyclone kicks” and weapons.

It’s expected to hit XBLA in September for 1200 Microsoft points.

Are you ready to bring this grand nation’s financial ruiners literally to their knees? AGO Games lets you do just that with The Asskickers, a $8.99 retro-styled 2D game available to Mac and PC gamers via digital download. The Asskickers will have a plot with political commentary on the current financial crisis.

The Asskickers features Co-Op, Survival, and Time Attack modes in addition to its single player, and is an ode to classic 2D brawlers such as Street of Rage, and Double Dragon. A free demo is available that gives you a small sample of the full experience, as you can play the first levels of the Story, Time Attack, and Survival modes.

There are three playable characters: Diane (the speed demon), Marcus (the muscle), and Alex (the balanced character). Alex, Marcus, and Diane “find themselves thrown into a battle with a corrupt ruling class where winning and kicking ass are the only available options.”

The Asskickers features four difficulty levels, unlockable achievements, and combos. The settings will range from back alleys, to inside corporation buildings.

“The Asskickers” has added a new twist to its game design, hearkening back to old days when games were difficult,” according to Jim Redner, Public Relations for The Asskickers. “Today’s trend is to make games too easy, many shooters resemble Duck Hunt, things pop up, you shoot them, simple as that. The Asskickers is going to change that.”

Stanislas Berton, president of AGO Games commented on the political agenda behind the game. He said, “The Asskickers allows people enact a revenge fantasy on all the people and corporations who continue to bring countries to the very edge of financial ruin and get away with it! Now, it’s virtual payback time! Let’s kick some ass.”

SEGA’s large E3 2011 booth featured a nice cross-section of titles (Sonic Generations, Binary Domain) but the game  that appealed the most to my sensibilities was Anarchy Reigns, Platinum Game’s new multiplayer beat ‘em up. I’ve followed the game for some time now, attempting to suss out its gameplay mechanics from a string of videos and screen shots, but it wasn’t until hands-on time this week that I was able to experience it. And I walked away more than a little impressed.

SEGA had four demo stations set up for use by E3 attendees to engage in a multi-player brawls. The goal? To kill as many foes in a limited time span as possible and declare yourself the king of the hill. In my two gameplay sessions I choose Jack (the chainsaw-wielding Madworld protagonist) and Blacker Baron  (best described as a futuristic pimp yanked from a blaxploitation flick), respectively.

Once the countdown ticker hit zero, the madness began. Anarchy Reigns is very much created from the Power Stone mold in that the game (at least in multiplayer mode) is all about obliterating opponents across multilevel environments filled with weapons. My first hands-on with the game was mainly about learning the system; I jammed on the attack buttons, which caused Jack to nail foes with nice, chunky roundhouses. The grappling was immensely satisfying; I nailed rivals with multiple grabs,which often ended with them on the mat awaiting a humiliating head stomp afterward. As I dashed after opponents using a small radar screen as guidance, I would find objects in the background (barrels, large crates) that I would later use to bash skulls. Scattered around the environment are vertical jet streams that launched me sky-high to raised platforms to continue the battle.

My second outing was a bit more refined and less savage as I played with Blacker Baron. I learned to counter grapples (which helped immensely) and unleash supers which are available in two levels.  I discovered that there were light and heavy attacks that could be strung together into impressive combos.

Anarchy Reign‘s graphics are quite delicious, featuring detailed environments, and several bad ass character designs. The music is equally fitting; it starts off as fairly generic, but the tempo increased to blood-pumping levels that really put you in the mood to break face.

My only true gripe with the game is that the camera is focused a bit too tightly on your player character, limiting your view. I suppose that’s an accurate representation of fighting in an all-out brawl where unseen dangers can explode out of nowhere, but I would’ve liked a slightly wider view area. You can, however, opt to lock onto foes so that you can track them down without running around blindly.

Platinum Games’ latest title is packed with the gameplay and aesthetics that beat ‘em up fans will dig. I only had approximately 10 minutes of total play time, but it’s already one that I’m looking forward to playing in January 2012.

Shank. Mega Man 10. Limbo. The 2D resurgence that came with the rise of the downloadable title continues with Awesomenauts, a new game from Ronimo Games, the developers behind the critically acclaimed side-scrolling RTS Swords & Soldiers. The PSN and XBLA title is a Multiplayer Online Battle Arena (MOBA) game inspired by your favorite ’80s animated ‘toons.

Awesomenauts features “the most awesome mercenaries in the galaxy in their fight for territorial supremacy: Russian monkeys with jetpacks, giant robots, and lots of other mighty aliens to the two-dimensional console battlefield.” The 2D game features classic platforming-action with today’s online multiplayer functionality. Words from the head honcho!

“We are thrilled to surprise the world with Awesomenauts at E3, and look forward to announcing further details then. If MOBA games and classic animated series were to have a baby, this would be it!”, says Jasper Koning, co-founder of Ronimo Games. “They don’t make ‘em like this anymore!”

Expect a hands-on preview of the game once the team lands in Los Angeles for E3 2011. Until then, check out the screenshots below.