The first two entries in this retrospective (Little Mac, Starman) have proven to be a Nintendo love-fest and rightfully so; “The Big N” has crafted some of the most enjoyable and memorable titles ever to grace gaming. How appropriate is it that the third profile in the series, and thus completing the Nintendo Hat Trick, is Ice Hockey’s round mound, also affectionately known to as The Fat Guy.

Ice Hockey was unique in its day because it allowed gamers to tailor their four-man squads to their liking. There were three archetypes available for assembling your quartet: Skinny, Medium, and Fat. Skinny Guys were lightning fast, but were easily bowled over by checks, and couldn’t put any muscle behind their slapshots. Medium Guys were the most well-rounded with average ability in all skills without any glaring weaknesses, sort of like Mario in Super Mario Bros. 2. Fat Guys, however, were the blubbery Sherman Tanks of the game. Their skating speeds were molasses-slow, but the big boys compensated for the sloth-like movement with supreme checking and shooting strength. I’ve always imagined that if I had the capacity as a pre-teen to bring the lovable big man to life Weird Science-style, that he’d emerge from the smoke as John Kruk with a hockey stick in hand.

But here’s how the plump motherpucker broke Ice Hockey. If you select The Fat Guy to fill every position on your team, said team will dominate all but the most wily of human opponents. You can use your players size to bowl over Skinny and Medium Guys, sending them crashing to the ice. Plus, the big boys’ five-star slapshot launched bullets towards the other team’s goalie-a pretty righteous combo. So how is it that such a dominating force barely outranks Little Mac and Starman?

For starters, Ice Hockey isn’t exactly the most accurate simulation of the sport. There aren’t any lines. There aren’t the correct number of players per team. The Fat Guy, for all intents and purposes, is a really, really big fish in a really small pond. If by some small bit of technological magic he were to appear in say NHL Hockey ’94, I reckon he’d be a gnat nipping at the greatness that is Jermey Roenick’s jock (the manliest jock in professional sports, by the way). Still, if non-licensed hockey games are your bread and butter (in the late ‘80s you didn’t have much of a choice as official league-licensed titles had yet to become the norm), The Fat Guy is your go to man for B-level sports dominance.