Ah, Tom Chambers. The mullet. The short shorts. The nose. Was there at any point in NBA history a more physically unappealing superstar in the league? I submit to you that there was not. But since this series is all about skillz over sex appeal, let’s break down ol’ Tommy Gun’s game.
In real life, Chambers averaged a very nice 18.1 points per game, 6.1 boards per game, and 2.1 assists per game-which should’ve been good enough to elicit NBA Hall of Fame entry talk. That’s right, I said Hall of Fame. Not good enough for the sitting at the adult table with Isaiah, Jordan, and Bird, but at the kiddie table with the likes of the massively overrated Scottie Pippen (16.1 ppg, 6.4 rpg, 5.2 apg).
Although Chambers’ game has been lost in the annals of NBA history, there’s one place where his stardom’s never faded: Lakers vs. Celtics and the NBA Playoffs. Anyone who’s played the game for an extensive amount of time only has to hear the words “Chambers’ Double-Pump Dunk” to elicit one of two outbursts: “Holy crap, that was the sickest shiz ever!”, or “Holy crap, that was the sickest shiz ever – - and if you even think about doing it again, you’ll be picking controller from your teeth after I cram it down your throat.”
Half of what make’s Chamber airtime so frustrating is the ease in which an opponent can bust it out. If you dump the ball to Chambers as he’s hovering around the 3-point arc, and then press the “special shot” button, he unleashes his signature move. It consists of Chambers launching his near 7-foot frame from the top of the key and into a double-pump jam that proceeds the aforementioned shout of “holy shiz!” if you’re using Chambers, and “WTF?” if you were D-ing up. And the best/worst part? The move’s totally unblockable. You could throw a five-man crew of Hakeem Olajuwan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Mark Eaton, Bill Russell, and Wilt Chamberlain on ol’ number 24 and he’ll make ‘em all famous. Your only hope is for Chambers to clunk the dunk, which is something that very rarely happened.
Back in the day, my homie Al (see Double Dribble entry) hated videogames across the board – - he wouldn’t dare touch an action/adventure, fighting, or puzzle title thinking of them as “corny”. But sports games? He was whore for them. He took to them like the majority of American youth did as he loved to control his favorite on-field heroes and talk the stinkiest, smelliest, most rancid trash whenever he accumulated even the smallest of leads. He dominated me in R.B.I Baseball and Double Dribble as though he’d programmed them, but it was the Chambers’ magnificent triple-pump glitch that made him bow down to a side that was greater than him.
Whenever I’d fall behind, Chambers’ cheese was money in the bank. I spammed the dunk like an online pornographer, often resulting in Chambers ending up with point totals that neared the triple digits. Al’s short temper would eventually flair up, causing him to yell, swear, and launch ad hominem and straw man verbal attacks regarding how I couldn’t beat him in real-life basketball and how my lack of luck with the ladies made me a loser who “got no ass.” Both statements were undoubtedly true, but at age 20, the second statement stung much harder than the first.
After being mocked for my virginity every post-game, I wisely decided to ease up on Al in order to maintain my man-pride, and to make certain that no one overheard one of his commentaries on my sexlessness. From that point out, my Tom Chambers only averaged ,oh, 50 points per game. Lesson to Al: nerds score in their own special way.
