Over the years many movie genres have crossed over into the gaming industry and created some of the most memorable titles in the business. Horror flicks were given their due with the Resident Evil franchise, while sci-fi has been represented in everything from Metroid to Halo. Even war films get a nod every time someone puts a Call of Duty disc into their system. But who, dare I ask, is paying homage to the repeatedly overlooked genre that is soft-core gay porn, hm? Cho Aniki Zero, that’s who!
Set in a world where protein is worth its weight in gold, Cho Aniki Zero features an unlikely cast of heroes as they battle through waves of ridiculous enemies to take down an evil protein monger appropriately named, “Balzac” and restore peace to BuilderPlanet. Yep, the main villain’s name is Balzac. If for some odd reason you read Balzac and still have hopes for a rich story, prepare to be horribly disappointed as Cho Aniki unapologetically relies more on flamboyance and sexual innuendo than plot substance.
Nothing exemplifies this more than the supporting characters, Adon and Samson – two men who are clearly the personification of phallic imagery – each with the power to shoot a “Men’s Beam” out of a large circular opening at the very top of their bald head. I’ll let you use your imagination on that one. Though you’re given a choice of either character at the select screen, there’s hardly a difference between the two as far as weapon power is concerned and depending on your preference in gameplay, you might be better off using Mika and Eru, two cherubs that also serve as support characters.
The main protagonists are actually relatively normal compared to their flashy partners. Idaten, a blue-haired muscular warrior, actually wears pants and doesn’t shoot at enemies with anything resembling a penis. And Benten, the only noticeable female in the game, looks just like any normal green-haired skanky Japanese anime character. No “beams of dairy” shooting out of her nipples or anything like that. After completing the final stage a third character, Shoten, will become available – adding replay value for those looking to take down the flaming forces of evil with a new hero and weapon.
Quirkiness aside, this game in general is one of the most difficult 2D shoot ‘em ups I’ve ever played. Though the bosses are generally easy to defeat, the waves of enemies you encounter on the way will have some gamers cursing under their breath, and others throwing their PSP (I did a little bit of both). Similar to the Contra series, there’s no health bar to rely on and any contact with projectiles or enemies equates to instant death. As energy bullets come at you from every direction, it’s easy to understand why most sites only have screenshots of the first and second level. Idaten’s attack is powerful, but covers a small area; Benten has more of a spreader attack that covers a larger area but deals less damage.
That’s where Adon and Samson come (no pun intended) in. Each main hero has a supporting character that mirrors the player’s attacks and movements throughout each level. Players can choose between Adon or Samson to support Idaten, or Mika and Eru to fight alongside Benten. In both cases the sidekicks can be used as shields against smaller projectiles to avoid losing a life, but even with backup, getting through the crossfire can feel impossible at times.
Adding to the intensity is a fast-paced sountrack that’s as repetitive as the enemy fire you try to avoid. The music in the Cho Aniki series may be regarded as critically acclaimed by some but at times I found it to be an annoying distraction at worst and borderline catchy nightclub music at best.
Turning the sound off for almost every level, one could imagine that environments would stand out more but unfortunately for this game, the stationary backgrounds, as FABulously colorful as they may be, have you feeling like you’re playing in an old Flintstones cartoon. Much worse, many of the obstacles you’re supposed to avoid blend into the scenery with ease – forcing me to memorize almost all the enemy attack patterns in order to progress.
Overall, if you’re looking for a challenging shooter and don’t mind half-naked oily men flying across your PSP, Cho Aniki Zero is definitely the game for you. The themes may be outlandish at times but behind the Speedos and phallic imagery lies a pretty decent albeit ridiculously difficult side-scroller. Just don’t go in expecting more than a funny time-killer and be prepared for raised eyebrows if you decide to play in a crowded subway car.
