With the release of Percy Jackson and the Unnecessarily Long Title a few weeks ago and the Clash of the Titans remake just around the corner, I thought it would be appropriate to blow the dust off The Battle of Olympus (NES) – a game that combines the intrigues of Greek mythology, the side-scrolling gameplay of Zelda II: The Adventures of Link, and the “WTF, how did I just die?!” moments of every game that ever pissed you off.
You play through this game as Orpheus – a man stricken with great sorrow after his wife, Helene, is bitten by a poisonous snake and dies. After learning that Helene’s soul was actually taken by Hades “so that he can make her his queen” (bow chicka bowwow), he sets off on a journey to bring her back from the underworld. However, this is never fully explained save for a small paragraph in the manual, so a majority of your time is spent piecing together cryptic messages from villagers you come across throughout the game.
There’s never a sense that you’re on a mission to save your true love, but rather on an aimless journey riddled with monotonous quests. Even if you’re lucky enough to stumble into the temple of a god, they offer minimal help unless you’re able to provide them with some sort of offering.
Fortunately for our hero, the gods of Olympus couldn’t care less for precious metals or virgins. Instead, they’re willing to provide you with divine items in exchange for…olives. Similar to the Mega Man series, creatures you defeat along the way (monkeys, satyrs, ninjas, etc.) will sometimes drop a bay leaf that restores partial health or an olive to add to your god bribery fund. Yes, I said ninjas. The maximum amount of olives you’re allowed to carry at any given time is 99 – a number only dedicated players will reach considering death cuts the number in your possession by half. While it could take an hour to gather enough for an item, one miscalculated jump over a deathtrap will turn you back into a scavenger and your controller into a projectile.
And if there’s one thing you’ll be doing a lot of in this game, it’s falling. For a heavily armed man on a perilous journey to save the love of his life, Orpheus can’t take a hit. Any contact with a creature or projectile knocks your player back a few steps into an uncontrollable moonwalk-like motion. Normally, that might be pretty cool, but when you’re at the edge of a platform and moonwalk yourself into a pit, it can be anything but.
Despite this, the control over Orpheus is pretty solid. With the exception of some minor stair difficulties (Castlevania fans will understand), movement and attack commands are followed precisely and never really become an issue. You’ll spend much more time looking for items than cursing the controls.
Unfortunately, the items you bust a mission for are as complicated to figure out as they are to obtain. Naturally, swords and shields are pretty self-explanatory but several others you’re required to have are head-scratchers. Apollo gives you a harp to summon Pegasus but it can only be used while standing in front of a totem-like object that blends into the scenery (which I only found out after crawling to a walkthrough). Poseidon’s “gift” is an ocarina that only works when played near a body of water. The tune summons a dolphin that you’re allowed to ride on to unexplored areas of the map. It’s actually very useful and doesn’t take long to figure out, but I mention it because the sight of you riding the dolphin just looks so wrong.
The only thing worse than the visual of a Greek hero riding a dolphin, is the soundtrack that goes along with it. Look through your phone right now and pick out the ringtones you would never be caught dead using. Throw them together in one continuous loop and you’ll end up with something far more enjoyable to hear than what The Battle of Olympus has to offer.
Each location has its own theme music but never gets passed a handful of measures before throwing on the repeat switch and spiraling into a level of annoying once dominated by Creed and Limp Bizkit. If that weren’t enough, the repetitive side-scrolling background makes you feel more like a citizen of Bedrock than a warrior of Olympus.
Overall, The Battle of Olympus has to be one of the most difficult games I’ve ever played. You may not die with one hit, but seemingly never-ending quests filled with absurd obstacles will have most players rethinking whether or not Helene is worth all the trouble. If you ask me, Hades can keep her.
